“I would never!” Punch a girl, enjoy an ass whipping, let someone pee on you in a dirty alley…whatever. You may have deep, dark fantasies, but you’d never actually act on them. Because you were taught not to, because it’s “wrong,” because we live in a civilized society and only crazy people go around bashing and peeing on each other for fun, right?
News flash: This is the only life you get. Are you going to squander it shuffling down that boring old path everyone else is on, trying to fit in? Or are you going to dance down a sparkling runway in glorious living color as the star of your life?
If any of the personality types below fit, you may be ripe for changing course in a kinky direction. Before you do, make sure to learn all about consent, negotiation, and the risks—physical, mental, emotional—of whatever kink you want to explore. This can be heavy stuff despite the lighthearted tone here. Act honorably with others and yourself, and be safe.
1. The Perfectionist
Your T-shirt drawer would do a pro organizer proud. You cry when you break a nail. You spell-check emails to friends. If the pillows on your bed aren’t arranged just so, you can’t focus. You, my friend, are a walking example of someone who might benefit from being completely broken down through beatings and/or humiliation play. Then you might see that striving to be perfect all the time keeps you from focusing on what’s truly important in life. When your face is a mess of makeup or mud or tears is when you will find your true beauty.
Or: Revel in your ability to leave no detail overlooked by becoming a service slave to a very exacting master or mistress. Just be sure to “mess up” once in a while for fun.
2. The Nurturer
You bring organic soup to sick friends. You tuck loving notes into your kids’ lunch boxes. You hug people you’ve just met. You remember everyone’s birthdays. Don’t you ever get a wee bit tired of being Mother Teresa? Might it help replenish your caretaking bank if you got to wail on a willing someone once in a while? Clean the homemade lasagna off that spatula, grab a thorny stem from that get-well bouquet, and clean the cookie crumbs off that wooden cutting board—those are now your toys. Feel free to spout inspirational quotes and smile perkily as you whack away.
Or: Become a submissive to a dominant who truly appreciates you and doesn’t take advantage of your giving nature, unlike your boss, your relatives, and your kids.
3. The Type A
Driven, aggressive, impatient, a control freak…you know who you are and might even be proud of it, because you get soooo much done! Before you drive yourself right into the ER with a heart attack, consider getting tied up. Rope bondage has a way of refocusing attention from thoughts to bodily sensations and to being in the moment—some even describe it as meditative. Trade that to-do list for some tying and heave a big sigh of relief. Everyone who has to deal with you as a Type A might too.
Or: Become a dominant, since you’ve got natural talent. But be a loving dominant, because there are already enough abusers in the world masquerading as dominants.
4. The Exhibitionist
Live for the applause, the Facebook likes, the Instagram hearts? Wish you had your own PR person—or maybe you already do? Luckily for you, the kink scene is filled with voyeurs, lookie-loos, and entertainment seekers. Celebrate your attention-whore self and draw a crowd however makes you happiest, whether it’s strutting naked through the dungeon or being paraded around on a leash. Make sure it’s also legal and consensual, though—prison mug shots don’t come with a “like” button.
5. The Wallflower
The thought of going to a party alone gives you a panic attack. You like to have a task so you don’t have to actually talk to anyone. You can’t decide whether you want to hug or hit the person who came up with party “ice breakers.” Give yourself a break from all that anxiety and shyness in group settings by being a piece of furniture. Who talks to a table, chair, or footstool? Consider having a partner in your objectification—either to set a drink down on you, say, or to keep other people from doing it.
Or: Get in touch with your animal side. Shyness isn’t necessarily associated with wanting to be a puppy or horse or what have you, but no one expects a human animal to talk—you can just curl up cozily at your guardian’s feet and watch.
6. Daddy’s Little Princess
You wear tiaras without irony. Glitter is your favorite color. “Princess” is spelled out in Swarovski crystals on your satin sleep mask. You have the cutest pout ever! Go ahead and be as pretty in pink as you like while role-playing—there are usually plenty of Daddy types in the kink scene. It’s no one else’s business what goes through the minds of two consenting adults role-playing behind closed doors.
7. The Lover
“Slut” is a term of endearment. You like being the cream filling in the cookie. You know what rainbow parties are, and may even have been to one. You plan your calendar around swinger events, don’t limit one-night stands to one per night, and have STD tests done every three months. If you score a 10 on the Slut-O-Meter, you’ll likely score in the kink world. While sex isn’t necessarily a part of kinky play, it’s definitely not uncommon…in fact, offering it might get you a higher bid at a slave auction.
Or: Go the opposite route and wear a chastity device—male or female. Maybe if you’re not so busy having sex all the time, you’ll finally finish writing that novel or learn how to speak a foreign language. Plus, having someone put a chastity device on you can be hot.
Of course there are way more personality types than just these. Share some others in the comments! And which one are you?